Missing and loving you

So I was doing some packing tonight and I have been kind of putting off packing some of your stuff because although I plan to put it back up once we move, it somehow feels wrong to pack your stuff away in a box. Anyway, so I got up the nerve and did it tonight. Well as always I am bawling when I get your stuff out and loving on it and just wishing you were here...well, I was loving on your little hat and I was looking and I found one of your hairs! Oh my gosh...I started freaking out! I never got a lock of hair from you and now I have one little tiny hair of yours and now I am terrified of losing it! I stared for a bit and just cried and then I thought, "crap...what if I breath and lose it?!?" So I got up and held it tightly and put it in a baggy so I never lose that hair. Who would have thought that a hair would have effected me so much? But I now have one more piece of you that I never thought I had! I am in love with the hair! I hate that life has to move on without you, but it does and I miss you so much. I have always felt that with everyday that goes by that I feel farther and farther away from you but now I try to look at is as it being one day closer to when I get to see you again! Know that I love and miss you very much, more than anyone can understand.
Love, Mommy

Wow...you'd be so big!

So the other day I went to Uncle Corey and Aunt Lisa's house for a little football party. Lisa's cousin was very pregnant when I lost you and I saw her and her little girl the other day and I had to hold back the tears...I couldn't believe how big you would be if you were here with me. She was running around, potty trained and talking like crazy. It was neat and sad to see at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a weird and kind of random connection with her. She was a little doll and I just think about what life would be like if you were here. Would tou be a little heathen or would you be well behaved? What kind of toys would you be into, would you be a star wars fanatic like your cousins? Man I just wish I knew. I could almost just picture you running around and stealing cookies off the counter and asking to go potty every 5 minutes just so you could play in the bathroom. I felt kinda dumb cause I said something about it to Lisa, Annie and Michelle and then I started to cry and I realized that I might look dumb so I had to stop talking because if I didn't I was going to be a mess. Anyway, I just had to write and tell you that I miss you and do think of you everyday, there hasn't been one day go by that I haven't thought of you. I miss you and wish you were here with us, but I know that you are a special Little Man and have other work that needs to be done to prepare our way to be a family again. But Right now I just can't stand it! I would love for you to be driving me crazy! So just know that I love you very very much. Miss you!

Miss you at Christmas!

Oh, my sweet little Bryce!! These holidays are just not the same knowing that we could have two little monsters running around instead of one! I think about it everyday! What kind of silly things would you be saying and doing?? So not fair! You will always be our Christmas Angel! I love you and miss you soooo much! I think about you everyday and wonder what you are doing. Please keep close during this hard time of the year. I love you baby boy!! You are always in my heart!! Love, Mommy!

Your sister misses you! And Trey says your name so well! We love you!

Trey is always so well behaved at the cemetery, I like to believe it's cause you are there with us!

Love you Bryce!

Bryce, are you ready??

Well, Bryce, this weekend Aunt Annie is going to take our family pictures and don't think that I will forget you...I will bring as many mementos of you that I can. You are still sooo much a part of our family. We miss you sooo much. I always wonder what life would be like if I had all my kids with me. I'm sure it would be a bit crazy, but I would give anything for that craziness! It's funny, you are my "little man" and I do not dare even think of calling Trey that! haha He is my little guy or something else, but never my little man...YOU are my little man! I love you sooo much I can't stand it! Sometimes I think about my life and the big picture and it is still so hard to believe that I lost you...I still think that I will wake up and it will all be a bad dream. I hate it, it is like my whole life is like a bad dream. The rest of my life is going to be a bad dream, until we can be together again. There is always this emptiness that will always be there no matter how much time goes by. I love you Little Man!
Love, Mommy

Your sister misses you!

Bryce, I just wanted you to know that your big sister misses you sooo much. She was having a sad day today and had a hard time going to bed because she couldn't stop crying. She loves you so much and wishes everyday that you could have stayed with us, we all do. Just know that we miss you very much and are waiting for the day that we can all be together again! Love you sweetie!
Love, Mommy

I love my sweet baby!

So Bryce, I have been feeling very weird lately, I have been feeling very far from you and not able to feel that you are around me. I feel like I have been looking for you for the past little while and in the search, I get lost and farther from you and I have been very sad but haven't been able to cry. Where have you been? Then tonight I was watching a show and there you were, I found you and you were there with me and I could feel you so strong, maybe making up for the lost time in the past little while I have been looking for you. I try so hard to put on this happy strong face so that people around me don't get uncomfortable and I think that I have let that run me and who I am lately. I am by no means happy that you aren't here with me. I do have some happiness in my life but I just feel that it would be so much different and better and happier if you were here. Everytime I get a snuggle moment with Trey, I am thinking how I wish more than anything that I could have that moment with you too. Life is so weird and awkward right now, it's so hard to explain, and I get caught up in life. But for tonight I just sat with you, holding your blanket and hat and loving them, knowing that I held you in them. That is all I have. So unfair, somethings are just so unfair. I love you little man and always will, no matter how caught up in life and things I get, you are always there in my heart and I think of you everyday. Please stay with me! I Love you!!

Oct. 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7:00pm we will light a candle for Bryce and keep it lit for 1 hour and if everyone around the world does this there will be a world wide wave of light for all the babies that have gone too soon, so if you or a family member have lost a baby light a candle in their name and remember those precious little ones who have gone too soon. Thanks!