Bryce Ryan Martin

My dear boy!

2011-02-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

Bryce....I feel like a terrible mother....I haven't written here in so long. I think about you daily and still post about you on the other blog....so I guess I'm not totally guilty. So many awful things happen here on this Earth. It makes me somewhat grateful that you don't have to experience any of this evil and heartbreak here with us. If I could tuck all my kids away in a perfectly safe place then I would in a heartbeat. I love you so much and hope that you can feel that. I sure hope that you and Grandpa are helping out our family members who need it most. Keep them close and help them with the hard times they are going through. I've been thinking about you and Grandpa a lot lately....deep inside I hope that means you are thinking of me too.

I can't believe that this year you will be 5! Holy cow! You would be starting kindergarten...such a big boy. So hard to believe that you would be so big..walking, talking, writing your name getting ready to pick out school clothes. All that fun stuff. Makes me sad that i won't get to do that with you.

Also...I could use some help with your brother...PLEASE! He is a pain in the butt to potty train. I'm hoping this is it and he is going to start doing it. I just think that I would be past that with you...no more diapers. I guess that if I could change it all I would change your diapers for as long as I needed just to have you back. It's funny the things that you would trade to have a loved one back. I'd give anything....but in reality we just know that can't happen. I guess I will have to be content with knowing I will see you again one day. Until then, know that I love you and not a day goes by that I don't think about you for one reason or another.

Love, Mom

My little Bryce...

2009-12-02T23:03:00.002-07:00

I feel like I have been a terrible mother....I haven't written on here for so long. It's not that I don't think about you...I think about you everyday! I think that I am just starting to be okay with knowing that I can carry you in my heart always and that is okay for the moment. But still...I like to come on here and write a few things that I am feeling. I hope that you and Grandpa are getting well aquainted. If he can't be here with the rest of the grandkids, I'm glad he can be with you. I miss you and Grandpa a lot. I think about you both all the time. Sometimes I am in pity mode and wonder "why". Sometimes I feel very picked on and wonder what I could have done to deserve this. Other times I am just greatful that I was able to love and lose then to not have loved at all. I hope you and Grandpa know that I love you both very much. I miss ya lots and lots.
.
On another note....I'm hoping that you two are helping to prepare us for this new little one on the way. Keep her safe till you send her to us. I look forward to her arrival....may sound strange, but those are the times that I feel closest to you and I'm sure it will be particularly special with Grandpa there with you this time.
.
Just know that I love and miss you everyday and look forward to our reunion one day. I love you and tell Grandpa I love him. Muah!

we have a birthday coming up.

2009-05-28T14:24:00.002-06:00

Oh Bryce, where has 3 years gone? I am missing you alot today. Just thinking that 3 years ago we were so excited to have you here with us, in our family. Who knew that your whole life can change in the blink of an eye. I hate that 3 years have passed, I feel farther and farther from you everyday! I hope you will join us at your birthday party, I miss you so much. I am sure that people read this and think, "what a crazy lady, her baby died before he was born, she doesn't know him" but only a mom who has lost a baby knows how much we bond before birth. You are always in my heart. Love you baby boy!!!

Happy Easter Little Man

2009-04-13T09:46:00.004-06:00

Oh Bryce...I miss you so much...3 years ago I was pregnant with you without a care in the world! I thought alot about you on Easter, just thinking what Jesus had done for us so that we can live together forever. We went to the cemetary to visit and I was taking pictures and I decided to do a little video and I am so glad I did. We just love you and miss you so much.

I have never heard Trey say your name so clear and perfect as he did in this video! We love you and can't wait til we can be together again!

Missing and loving you

2009-02-25T22:17:00.002-07:00

So I was doing some packing tonight and I have been kind of putting off packing some of your stuff because although I plan to put it back up once we move, it somehow feels wrong to pack your stuff away in a box. Anyway, so I got up the nerve and did it tonight. Well as always I am bawling when I get your stuff out and loving on it and just wishing you were here...well, I was loving on your little hat and I was looking and I found one of your hairs! Oh my gosh...I started freaking out! I never got a lock of hair from you and now I have one little tiny hair of yours and now I am terrified of losing it! I stared for a bit and just cried and then I thought, "crap...what if I breath and lose it?!?" So I got up and held it tightly and put it in a baggy so I never lose that hair. Who would have thought that a hair would have effected me so much? But I now have one more piece of you that I never thought I had! I am in love with the hair! I hate that life has to move on without you, but it does and I miss you so much. I have always felt that with everyday that goes by that I feel farther and farther away from you but now I try to look at is as it being one day closer to when I get to see you again! Know that I love and miss you very much, more than anyone can understand.
Love, Mommy

Wow...you'd be so big!

2009-01-13T22:51:00.002-07:00

So the other day I went to Uncle Corey and Aunt Lisa's house for a little football party. Lisa's cousin was very pregnant when I lost you and I saw her and her little girl the other day and I had to hold back the tears...I couldn't believe how big you would be if you were here with me. She was running around, potty trained and talking like crazy. It was neat and sad to see at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a weird and kind of random connection with her. She was a little doll and I just think about what life would be like if you were here. Would tou be a little heathen or would you be well behaved? What kind of toys would you be into, would you be a star wars fanatic like your cousins? Man I just wish I knew. I could almost just picture you running around and stealing cookies off the counter and asking to go potty every 5 minutes just so you could play in the bathroom. I felt kinda dumb cause I said something about it to Lisa, Annie and Michelle and then I started to cry and I realized that I might look dumb so I had to stop talking because if I didn't I was going to be a mess. Anyway, I just had to write and tell you that I miss you and do think of you everyday, there hasn't been one day go by that I haven't thought of you. I miss you and wish you were here with us, but I know that you are a special Little Man and have other work that needs to be done to prepare our way to be a family again. But Right now I just can't stand it! I would love for you to be driving me crazy! So just know that I love you very very much. Miss you!

Miss you at Christmas!

2008-12-17T22:35:00.003-07:00

Oh, my sweet little Bryce!! These holidays are just not the same knowing that we could have two little monsters running around instead of one! I think about it everyday! What kind of silly things would you be saying and doing?? So not fair! You will always be our Christmas Angel! I love you and miss you soooo much! I think about you everyday and wonder what you are doing. Please keep close during this hard time of the year. I love you baby boy!! You are always in my heart!! Love, Mommy!

Your sister misses you! And Trey says your name so well! We love you!

Trey is always so well behaved at the cemetery, I like to believe it's cause you are there with us!

Love you Bryce!

Bryce, are you ready??

2008-11-17T22:30:00.002-07:00

Well, Bryce, this weekend Aunt Annie is going to take our family pictures and don't think that I will forget you...I will bring as many mementos of you that I can. You are still sooo much a part of our family. We miss you sooo much. I always wonder what life would be like if I had all my kids with me. I'm sure it would be a bit crazy, but I would give anything for that craziness! It's funny, you are my "little man" and I do not dare even think of calling Trey that! haha He is my little guy or something else, but never my little man...YOU are my little man! I love you sooo much I can't stand it! Sometimes I think about my life and the big picture and it is still so hard to believe that I lost you...I still think that I will wake up and it will all be a bad dream. I hate it, it is like my whole life is like a bad dream. The rest of my life is going to be a bad dream, until we can be together again. There is always this emptiness that will always be there no matter how much time goes by. I love you Little Man!
Love, Mommy

Your sister misses you!

2008-11-03T23:16:00.002-07:00

Bryce, I just wanted you to know that your big sister misses you sooo much. She was having a sad day today and had a hard time going to bed because she couldn't stop crying. She loves you so much and wishes everyday that you could have stayed with us, we all do. Just know that we miss you very much and are waiting for the day that we can all be together again! Love you sweetie!
Love, Mommy

I love my sweet baby!

2008-10-18T23:32:00.002-06:00

So Bryce, I have been feeling very weird lately, I have been feeling very far from you and not able to feel that you are around me. I feel like I have been looking for you for the past little while and in the search, I get lost and farther from you and I have been very sad but haven't been able to cry. Where have you been? Then tonight I was watching a show and there you were, I found you and you were there with me and I could feel you so strong, maybe making up for the lost time in the past little while I have been looking for you. I try so hard to put on this happy strong face so that people around me don't get uncomfortable and I think that I have let that run me and who I am lately. I am by no means happy that you aren't here with me. I do have some happiness in my life but I just feel that it would be so much different and better and happier if you were here. Everytime I get a snuggle moment with Trey, I am thinking how I wish more than anything that I could have that moment with you too. Life is so weird and awkward right now, it's so hard to explain, and I get caught up in life. But for tonight I just sat with you, holding your blanket and hat and loving them, knowing that I held you in them. That is all I have. So unfair, somethings are just so unfair. I love you little man and always will, no matter how caught up in life and things I get, you are always there in my heart and I think of you everyday. Please stay with me! I Love you!!

Oct. 15th

2008-10-15T18:35:00.001-06:00

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7:00pm we will light a candle for Bryce and keep it lit for 1 hour and if everyone around the world does this there will be a world wide wave of light for all the babies that have gone too soon, so if you or a family member have lost a baby light a candle in their name and remember those precious little ones who have gone too soon. Thanks!

Walk to remember 2008

2008-10-12T09:43:00.002-06:00

So we were all terrified that we would be walking in the snow Saturday morning but the weather held til about the last 15 minutes of the walk and then it started to pour! But it turned out nice. So, I just wanted to post a few pics from this year. I had to do them in 4 different posts, issues....grrrr...so that is the reason for the separation between some pics. Anyway, thanks for looking! Love you Bryce!

This is just a picture of the balloons and some of the audience.

More of the same, different side.

These are the Share girls! Sorry, I know that all of you are going to want to kill me for this one! heehee Love ya!

2008-10-12T09:43:00.001-06:00

Cute kids and Dad.

My darlling girlie.

I had to have this hat for Trey, perfect for the cold weather at the walk.

This is Mandi's boyfriend, he is soooo cute with Trey!

2008-10-12T09:42:00.001-06:00

Walking for Bryce...

Trey was giving his big brother a kiss.

Jadynn always has a hard time at the walk.

Our balloons.

That is it. We love that Share does this, it is a much needed cry and a special day to remember our beautiful babies! We love and miss them so much!

Angels Kiss

2008-10-02T22:18:00.004-06:00

We go through life so often,
Not stopping to enjoy the day.
And we take each one for granted
As we travel on our way.

For in your pain and sorrow,
An angels kiss will help you through.
The kiss is very private,
For it's meant for only you.

We never stop to measure,
Anything we just might miss.
But if the wind should blow by softly,
You'll feel and angel's kiss.

A kiss that is sent from heaven,
A kiss from up above.
A kiss that is very special,
From someone that you love.

So when your hearts are heavy,
And filled with tears and pain,
And no one can console you,
Remember once again...

About the ones you grieve for,
Because you sadly miss,
And the gentle breeze you took for granted
Was just an angel's kiss.

-Author unknown

I love you so much Bryce and I love you and think of you every day!

Just thinking...

2008-09-16T22:11:00.002-06:00

I was just thinking about Bryce today. I just love my baby so much. It is amazing to me that I could love someone so much who I never got to meet outside my belly. There really is a special bond there between mom and baby before they are even born. I just ache for him sometimes. I think about how old he would be and what he was be saying...or copying what I say! haha I just wish I could have him now. This is one thing I will have to learn to deal with. I will see him again, just not for a while. Anyway, I just needed to babble a little bit, I just miss my baby so much. I added a few pictures and quotes to the page. If anyone looks, I hope you like it. Thanks! Love you Little Man!

Dedicated to my angel

2008-09-06T23:54:00.000-06:00

I was just thinking tonight and got super sad and thought that I have all these things to blog about with Jadynn and Trey...Jadynn's birthday, getting her ears pierced, Trey being a monster, him is his halloween costume, but there is something missing...I need my other boy in there somewhere, but I didn't want my blog to by whiny all the time, so this is dedicated to him! I love him so so much and just can't leave him out. So this is going to be more like a journal for me and my baby and my feelings and things we do for Bryce, cause we do still do things for him. So this is in loving memory of my sweet angel baby...Bryce.